hello my fellow fallible human welcome
to the Red Roof recovery show my name is
Tanya McIntyre and we are grateful that
you’re joining us here for a few minutes
as we
cover a few things together we cover
practical ways to help you to be free
from addictions uh let go of stress and
struggles develop your mental strength
and live a happier healthier and more
meaningful life Red Roof recovery is all
about programs to soften the path of
recovery from drug and alcohol
addictions I am joined by my best friend
my life partner and long time marriage
partner I call him sir Lancelot he has
been my knight in shining armor in more
ways than one
and Lawrence brings the perspective of a
family member of a loved one who’s
affected by addiction Lance is a valued
resource to not only me but also family
members whose loved ones are struggling
with addictions he shares his experience
empathy and effective communication
tools that can motivate your loved one
to seek recovery sooner than later we
offer a thoughtful conversation about
about variety of recovery topics you’re
going to hear science-based approaches
to build a life beyond addiction
a life you love and a life you won’t
need to escape from and on this episode
of The Red Roof recovery show what are
we talking about Sir Lancelot
so this week we’re going to talk about
codependency
oh codependency that’s a big topic it is
and normally it’s one scene
as bad
you know when people say oh they’re so
codependent but from my perspective I
think that every good relationship
is a codependent relationship
to a certain degree
in a good partnership you have people
with strengths and weaknesses
and hopefully you find someone who
complements your weaknesses with their
shrimps and vice versa
and if you can find that that
balance then
the balance that’s quite the word
finding the balance yeah and it’s
difficult it’s very difficult
and
from
my perspective because I fell into it
a little bit early on in our journey
um
the downside of the codependent
nature between someone who’s going for
addictions and their their partner is
that people sitting on their side of the
fence do you
the supportive partner the partner not
going for the addiction is
feeling validated
through Society
for supporting
the person going for a kissing garnering
that better pay from people because when
the addictive person is acting out
the person with them is all the One
people look at it yeah and you can see
pity in the Horizon what happened and
you can play on this and you can get
into that whole martyr syndrome yes you
know and people say oh you’re such a
good person for supporting and you can
go down that very nicely Road of feeling
validated
and so
looking out for yourself and not not for
your partner not trying to help them
get to the realization that they are
being detrimental to their own life
serving Behavior yeah exactly and I have
to say we all do it absolutely we do
yeah
and it’s not a good place to be and it’s
not serving the relationship and how do
we snap out of it then
it’s a difficult one
yeah well how did you deal with it you
lived with me for more than two decades
of my Progressive addictions the drugs
and the alcohol so you you’ve won the
gamut
yeah but as you you know I’m I’m quite
alone or I I tend to Muse on a lot of
things by myself
and I realized that my
wallowing in this
validation swimming pool
wasn’t serving our relationship
he was serving
me as in stroking my ego in it and but
that’s never really been that great a
thing for me my
it’s always been how I feel about myself
and having people
pity me started to grade on me instead
of validating me
and I realized that it wasn’t serving
you ever you know me if anything if
you’re swimming that that swimming pool
then
you I would want your addiction to go on
more
because I get more validation for that
and I think that’s where a lot of
your comes from
action
dynamics that we are exposed to on a
regular basis I mean uh you know it’s
very easy to enable behavior when you
want to help and that’s all we want to
do is help people get through this
horrid
condition and what we do know about
addictions still in this decade here we
are in 2023 and what we know about
addictions is that it’s a complex
condition that affects everybody
differently
so my addiction is different than you
know the 10 people I see in a meeting
every week and the one thing that we do
have in common is that we are all
walking the same path
of recovery we all want to be free from
addiction but that’s different for
everybody everybody’s going to navigate
that path differently and the
communication tools that we can use as
somebody in a support
capacity I think makes all the
difference of encouraging our loved one
to seek recovery sooner than later
yeah yeah for sure
but it’s coming to you know
everyone on who is the supportive person
in the relationship
um
they’re all
different people as well
we all have our own problems we deal
with the problems in different ways
we interact with our partners in
different ways we’re all individuals as
well
and it’s
so if you’ve got a complex condition
with a complex person going through that
com that condition and a complex person
trying to deal with that complex person
and the complex
it gets exponentially more complex
exactly we’re all complex beings right
fallible humans all trying to navigate
this
playground called life well is it a
playground we can make it a bit of a
playground
I think
identifying the pitfalls
you know as in like I say from from a
support person’s point of view
noticing the pitfall don’t feel going
down that martyrdom syndrome
pothole that’s not a good place to go so
if you can identify when you’re feeling
this
sense of validation for other people
pitting you and having it smile
then you can do something about it if
you can identify it
because as you you rightly say until you
actually can isolate
the problem you can’t come up with a
solution yes awareness is the first step
to progress yeah
so I was introduced to a tool did you
want to say something firsthand before I
bring the tool to the table no no come
on okay
um I talk to a lot of family members
people who want to help their loved one
overcome addictions and the last thing
they want to hear is that there’s very
little they can do
very low what can you do as a loved one
trying to support someone through an
addiction
um look after yourself right
yeah make yourself resilient and
uh communicate communicate with
uh try to be understanding but do not be
supported to the detriment oh great so
we talk about establishing healthy
boundaries and the longer I am talking
about addiction the less I like that
word boundary because it sounds
ultimatumish it sounds very final
um it’s it sounds like it would put
somebody on the defensive to say you
know I’m craving this boundary
and I prefer to call it a mutual respect
line we are building mutual respect
lines in our relationship and we can do
that with more effective communication
and it’s a template from cognitive
behavioral therapies called Pious
p-i-u-s I love acronyms and they help me
remember the tools so this is one of my
favorite tools to share with family
members who are struggling to help
someone through addiction
so this is pious for positive
communication and it’s not just dealing
with someone uh struggling with
addictions it’s a great communication
skill to develop all around
but specifically helping your loved one
break free from the shackles of
addiction can definitely be a difficult
process it takes agents practice and
persistence
and the most difficult part of this
process is learning how to build these
mutual respect lines and then learning
how to consistently maintain them I
think therein lies uh the key is that we
need to maintain those mutual respect
lines so this template uh is very
helpful in constructing your
conversation when we put a little bit of
planning behind our communication the
outcome is probably 99 of the time uh
better I find so the p in Pious stands
for positive you want to keep your
statements as positive as possible as
possible and avoid using the word you as
much as possible make it I and that’s
where the I and the Pius comes in so
keep it positive keep it about you I I I
I feel uh terrible for you that you are
going through this uh my heart is
breaking for this can addition that you
are struggling with you just make it all
about you and not about them you want to
avoid blaming and shaming at all costs
and then the you is understanding so you
want to make sure that you’re listening
and showing this other person that you
understand what they’re saying even if
you don’t agree with it you’re
empathizing and understanding and then
the s
is sharing
when you accept and share your feelings
and any responsibility that you may have
in any conflict in the relationship it’s
really helpful to build those
communication uh networks with people
and like I said instead of thinking
about this as building boundaries with
your loved one you can think about
establishing mutual respect lines and
this communication style can’t make
another person change the only thing
that can make a person change is
themselves but it may give them a good
reason to choose to change we may not
not like it if they choose to not change
but that’s their power of choice what is
your power of choice includes the
ability to let them know how their
behaviors are impacting you without
blaming them so it’s a great template
that I share with family members because
you can plan your conversation with uh
your loved one and that includes the
timing of when you’re going to have a
conversation that’s very important
that’s one thing I was going to say
timing to to have a conversation where
you’ll love one when I are partaking in
their addiction you you might as well
just run out of wall
absolutely because it’s it’s not going
to get through
timing of the conversation is one of the
most important things I think I agree
definitely and that that can be trial
and error as well I think the key is to
keep consistent and persistent so you’re
creating a script for yourself and it’s
one that you’re just going to keep
repeating
yeah
yeah and like I said okay is about
yourself yeah and that way you can build
your own resilience
so when hopefully when your partner or
your loved one
gets on the road to
discovering separate for themselves
when they reach our hand and say I need
help with this then you have the tools
within yourself to help exactly
yeah I think I think yeah no problem
baby
and there are literally hundreds of
tools that you can use to manage
recovery and life that we say all the
time this is not just for addictions
this is for life and the key another of
my favorite acronyms keep educating
yourself until you find something that
clicks for you it’s important that you
know that you’re not alone help is just
a click away you can click on
redroofrecovery.com and you can I’m
happy to spend a complimentary 15
minutes with you to role play your
conversation ahead of time it’s often
helpful to do that
and we’ve got lots of other resources
available on our website as well
and remember sweetheart as you say there
is great power in knowing that the only
thing that we can control in our lives
is ourselves
thanks for adding to my uh
my wisdom quotes with your wisdom and
thanks for being here
thanks for the invite
I love you
I love you too and I love you for
hanging out with us for a few minutes to
listen to our conversations hopefully
you find what we say helpful and if so
please remember to subscribe on your
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encouragement and support on this
journey of Discovery and Recovery
remember to talk to yourself like you
talk to your best friend May the force
be with you and remember you are the
force
